First let me start by saying that I call you a "man" not because of your actions, words or how you behaved last night. I call you a "man" because you aren't some twenty-something, drunken, college coed. No, as a matter of fact you appear to be about my age, and thus society would label you as I have done.
Obviously, I am not over last night. In my world, as a classroom teacher, we call people like you a bully. As far as I'm concerned, there is no place for this type of treatment towards another human being, EVER. I am sorry the place you went for the evening was not broadcasting what you wanted to hear. Of course management did offer to accommodate you, but that was not enough. For whatever reason, you felt the need to hurl verbal insults my way. And though this will probably never reach your eyes, I want you to know your words demoralized me.
After you left, I must have sat there and cried for at least an hour. My friends, bless their hearts, didn't know how to react to my public display of emotions. I WANTED to leave at that point. I wanted to go back to my house, with my dogs, and my big screen TV. Back to where I knew I was "safe" and loved by my furry four-legged friends. Back to where I have silently withdrawn over the years because of people like you. I was terrified to order/eat; I was terrified to finish my drink. Except for the tears, I was literally frozen in time because to do what I wanted to do - eat a fun meal and have a couple of drinks with friends - meant I was living a self-fulfilling prophecy as the overweight "fat girl."
But for some reason, something kept me glued to that chair. And during that time, I talked and prayed to God. I asked Him to stay with me and not let go of me. I asked Him to keep me strong. I asked Him why I was having to endure this. I asked Him to keep reminding me that I'm His child, and He loves me no matter what. And I kept going to a dark place, where I asked Him to make sure you got what was coming to you. At this point, I would stop my prayer and start over again, because I KNOW this is not what I'm supposed to be praying for.
You see "mean man," for me, this really isn't about my weight. It's about the lack of self-confidence and self-esteem I have in myself. It's about portraying myself as one thing on the outside, (especially having worked with the public for thirty years), but feeling completely unworthy of anyone's love or friendship on the inside. My weight is my excuse for not having the relationships I want in my life. It's the manifestation of verbal, mental and emotional abuse as a young child, and even more recently, in my career. Ironically, before venturing out last night, three different people had said good things to me about the changes they see not just on the outside, but on the inside as well. I accepted those compliments as graciously as I felt I could, because I know I'm really just a hair-line fracture away from crumbling into a million pieces.
That's why, this time, my weight loss journey is so different. With each pound I lose, I'm realizing I have to let go of some other negative thought I have of myself or some other negative behavior that does not make me a better person. Your words Sir, have the power to make that "hair-line fracture" an irreparable chasm that I am fighting tooth and nail right now. I regret that last night I still lack the faith in myself to stand up to you, but in all seriousness, I doubt it would have mattered.
I know God put you smack dab in the middle of my path for a reason. I've asked Him over and over in the last fifteen hours, what that reason is, and I am reminded I'm on His time schedule, not my own. In the mean time, I feel part of His plan is to force me to work through these personal issues, and not be afraid to share these thoughts and feelings so that maybe, just maybe, I can help someone else who feels like I do. And with that being said, I think I finally realize what I should be praying:
Dear God,
Thank you for not letting go of me. Thank you Lord for picking me up last night and carrying me, setting me down gently this morning, but not letting go of my hand. Thank you Heavenly Father for letting me see the light of another day and fulfilling Your promise to always be with me. I ask you Father that you might also be with the man with whom I crossed paths but only for a second last night. I ask that he too might know Your love, Your grace, and Your forgiveness. I pray God, that I was merely his whipping post, and therefore he will not do the same to someone that might not know You as I do, and be able to move forward as I will with You by my side.
In your son's name I pray,
Amen.
